adventures in futility

My geometry teacher—of all people, seriously—said that if you want to remember something, try to forget it. He said that you will almost always, even if not immediately, forget whatever it is you try the hardest to remember*. (I am paraphrasing.)

So all these attempts to shove certain things in to the farthest cobwebs of my mind, all this trying to not dwell on stupid shit is just driving myself even more crazy than necessary. I am not so sure everything my geo teacher said should be taken very seriously—after all, the guy only passed me and Jenn because he didn’t want to see us again the following year (and the same can be said for our chemistry teacher’s decision to give us barely-passing grades as well)—but right now, especially, his words have a significant amount of value.

Goddamn. Why is it almost always so easy to focus on the negative? For so many years I told myself that if I am cynical from the start, there would be no room for disappointment. And for awhile I thought that was working. Is it getting me anywhere? Not exactly. But it sure felt better than what this disappointment feels like right now. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone to bed upset and woken up still unsettled. Usually I can sleep it off, but last night was not the case.

Where does one draw the line? When do you finally decide something is just not worth the effort anymore? Am I really expecting to recognize that moment when—no, if it happens?

Cherie was telling me that awhile ago when she was upset about something and losing sleep over it, her mind eventually just stopped going to that Dark Place. When will my mind stop going to that Dark Place?

Sure, it could always be worse. That’s not really the best way to look at life either, but how are people just able to keep things balanced? I know it isn’t impossible. People do it all the time. How might I finally become one of Those People? Is it just better to be constantly numb, with that basic, carefree “Whatever happens, happens” kind of outlook?

This kind of bullshit thinking/ranting/feeling was supposed to have ended over a decade ago.

*(Edit: I do realize the example he used when talking about this forgetting/remembering crap was about trying to keep track of where you put your keys or something. So maybe I shouldn’t be placing that significant amount of value on any of this, really. Anyway…)